- This article contains several Ubarlight posts from the official forums for 2008. To see his recent posts, search the official forums.
Ubarlight Posters 2.3: Blackrock dOWNED | 02/12/2008 06:41:32 PM EST
Now that Ubarlight has had his way with the Shattrath women, and sampled the many fine and exotic delicacies available to him, and has adjusted his hair into the appropriate Totally Awesome shape, it’s time for him to regale all of you wimps with the tale of Ubarlight Defeats the Blackrock Gnome Invasion.
It was not long after the invasion began that news was brought to Ubarlight by one of his many sources (Mainly wusses from Argent Dawn), and Ubarlight geared up, donning his Totally Awesome Hammer, his Paladin’s Totally Awesome Dictionary and Thesaurus that never leaves the gold chain attached to his steel plated belt, his boot to butt action boots, and the finest and fashionable, not to mention comfortable, clothing designed for extended periods of owning.
By then, the Gnomes had reached not only Stormwind, but also Ironforge, with rumors of a mounting force headed into Shattrath and Nagrand. But Ubarlight just chuckled and checked out his fantastic looks in the mirror of his appropriated estate, formerly known as GM Isle. These Gnomes were in for one hell of a surprise, like a trio of newbies caught offguard by a level seventy Shaman in Stranglethorn.
Ubarlight first headed to Stormwind, marching forth, the light of the Totally Awesome and Wicked Sweet blasting from his form like a Rogue that moved during Flame Wreath, desperate for DPS. The city was in utter chaos, but few Gnomes remained, only a small detachment was sent to Stormwind, the rest were elsewhere. Ubarlight decided to stop at the local winery and get a small refreshment, for soon he would have to throw his mettle at an army of unintelligent diminutive halfwits, much like a Horde premade team verses an Alliance pug. Ubarlight did however stop to thrash any Gnome in his way, using weapons of physical force and mental logic to obliterate the forms and shatter the minds of any so called invader. The Gnomes were left broken and confused, they did not know what power had flown over them as if they were leaves caught in an unforgiving gail.
Ubarlight traverses Stormwind, leaving dazed and confused Gnomes in his wake: 
From there, he took to the tram, to head to Ironforge to remove the presence of the Blackrock Gnomes from the wussy Dwarven town. During the lengthy trip, he took time to meditate by preforming many dance moves which awed the wimps in the tramcar behind him. (Because of Ubarlight’s Totally Awesome nature, he maximized the limit of people per single tram car and had to ride solo) Soon, the real battle will begin.
Ubarlight meditates during the tram trip with Wicked Sweet dance maneuvers: 
Ironforge, as usual, was filled with a vast array of the usual wimps and wusses, but this time, there were Blackrock Gnomes among them, running back and forth like a poorly executed Akil'zon fight. Ubarlight gave them no chance for escape, he leapt upon them hammer swinging shouting a challenge, will unwavering and hair unruffling, send Gnomes splattering high among the ancient stones of Ironforge’s cave ceilings like an abstract artist’s idea of creativity. Ubarlight stunned them by displaying his rippling muscles, each sudden movement of steel-corded flesh sending waves of shock and panic among the surviving annoyances. Others had their senses overloaded, and simply stood still, dumbfounded, like stone golems waiting to be shocked to animation.
Ubarlight announcing his presence to the wimpy Blackrock Gnomes: 
Ubarlight flexing in front of the Gnomes, freezing them in their tracks: 
By using a stunned Gnome, Ubarlight tricked a group of Argent Dawn betrayers (Wusses who helped the Blackrock Gnomes localize in targeted areas, their names are Teshar, Deathro and Dre, haze them mercilessly as the lackluster wimps they are, OH YEA!) into admitting Ubarlight into their raid, and stole away on the very portal to Shattrath that the Gnomes attempted to escape with. And no, friends of the Totally Awesome and Wicked Sweet, they were not going to get away that easily. Ubarlight found a battalion of Blackrock Gnomes attempting to wussify A’dal with their wimpy ways and pathetic rambling, it was up to Ubarlight to become a bulwark of strength and good looks against the meager forces of wussidom and male pattern baldness. Handsome visage shining like a newly enchanted weapon, Ubarlight planted himself between the Gnomes and A’dal, and prepared for a frontal assault, one that would involve the numerous finely chiseled muscles of Ubarlight’s torso.
Ubarlight prepares to defend A’dal from the Gnomish invaders: 
Ubarlight first began with a speech, telling the Gnomes about the ways of the Totally Awesome and Wicked Sweet, and how they’d never match such power no matter how many times they tried. We all know that the only thing Gnomes are good for are their minds, and these Blackrock invaders even lacked intelligible thought. Ubarlight still was determined to pound out the wussiness of their ways by then giving them tips on proper body care such as wearing thick soled shoes for traveling, since running barefoot tends to make lesser beings become afflicted with ringworm and tetanus. Not to mention, of course, the fashion statement that could be made with footwear, like wearing solid steel plated boots that say, “Boot connects to butt and butt connects to horizon.” OH YEA!
Ubarlight displaying the value of proper footwear: 
Then, Ubarlight brought out the big guns, his shirt flying from his body like a startled flight form Druid that heard a loud noise, Ubarlight positioned himself to get the best lighting from A’dal’s spotlight form. Ubarlight’s impressive display soon began to attract even wimps from Argent Dawn, and the crowd became entranced with Ubarlight’s intrinsic and Wicked Sweet dance moves. You see, Ubarlight knew that this very battalion of Gnomes was suppose to reinforce the Gnomes currently getting owned in Nagrand, but they had hoped to wussify A’dal along the way. However, there was no way these Gnomes could leave now, they were simply too impressed.
Ubarlight’s Wicked Sweet dance attracts more than just Gnomes: 
The Gnomes sat still, riveted by the waves of Totally Awesome and Wicked Sweet that flowed from Ubarlight’s tenuous maneuvering. However, Ubarlight had yet another surprise in store, he turned AROUND, and showed these wimpy Gnomes the other Totally Awesome and good side of Ubarlight! Some Gnomes couldn’t handle it, and lay on the ground gasping for air, unable to move and continue their warlike ways. Unfortunately, this was also too much for some Argent Dawnians as well, as you can see in the next image, one of the Trolls got too excited, and stood upon a repair bot to howl out his Loa ABC’s. In his eagerness he didn’t realize that he was trying to one up Ubarlight! He should have known that this is impossible.
The Other Good Side of Ubarlight: 
The Troll had to be brought to his sense with a swift kick of justice to the shins. 
So Ubarlight danced long and hard into the night, keeping the attention of the Gnomes so that they would cease to be a threat to the wimps of Argent Dawn. Ubarlight didn’t even break into a sweat, at least not until it was the proper moment to add to the sensuality of such a fiendishly good looking figure dancing in the center of a crowd. It was not the sweat of strain and exertion, it was the sweat of suavity. By now, most of the Gnomes had quieted down and become fully absorbed by the dance, the few that still possessed any self control were only able to squeak out small comments when their hyperventilating allowed them a short reprieve. By now, most of the Argent Dawnians had grown tired, overwhelmed by the Totally Awesome, but since they weren’t the target of Ubarlight’s prowess, they were allowed to retreat to a hearty night’s rest, and would awake feeling like they had been worked on for twenty four hours at the finest Silvermoon massage parlor.
Ubarlight dances on into the night: 
As the night grew later, the Gnomes began to fade into oblivion, as the power of the Totally Awesome drained their wussy resolve. Soon, only two Gnomes remained. Shattrath’s night life began to appear, any number of twisted and wimpy individuals seeking refuge from their own self wrought ruinations, very similar to the Gnomes of Blackrock.
The Blackrock Army begins to dwindle: 
Again, a resident of Argent Dawn was overtaken by the majesty of Ubarlight, and was unable to contain themselves. While Ubarlight’s dance worked furiously upon the last two wimps, the Argent Dawner found themselves confused and consumed by lust, and attempted to barter for one of the Gnomes for their own corrupted pleasures. However, Ubarlight never lets a Blackrock wuss out of his sight once he has them in his iron-strong grip, and the embarrassed Argent Dawner awkwardly retreated. Though not physically harmed, their ego was deeply torn and savaged, dripping bits of their self-assertion like a Ghoul as they fled into the night clad in their slave and master gear. Here Ubarlight was helping the masses of Argent Dawn by removing the threat of the Blackrock Gnomes, and some wuss comes up hoping that the Gnomes endured so that they could fulfill their selfish pleasures! What a lackluster wuss.
One of the Argent Dawn wusses attempts to barter for a Blackrock Gnomish “servant.” 
Then, when the remaining Gnomes had met their fate, the Exiles of Blackrock sent forth a diplomat to Ubarlight, attempting to beg for Ubarlight’s mercy. Their allies had fled, their army was shattered, and the few surviving Gnomes were left scattered and afraid. They lacked the means to regain their numbers, and the Gnome pleaded with Ubarlight, thinking that admitting him into their guild would stop his unrelenting visual and physical assaults.
The Gnome attempts to trade Ubarlight’s allegiance with a guild invite. 
Ubarlight though, knew how to use this to his advantage, with a cunning display of force, he’d end the Gnome invasion with one final attack, a stab at the very souls of the Gnomes themselves. Few people know about the weakness of guild chat, how it allows anyone direct contact with your very soul. This is why some guild members are afraid to speak in guild chat, and it’s why others use it to brandish drama like a Tauren totem, flaying their supposed allies with betrayal and greed. Well, since Ubarlight is so incredible and upstanding, he already knew of this vulnerability, and he put it to good use. With one final condemnation, Ubarlight crushed the remaining Gnomes, sending their souls fleeing like Zul’Gurub tiger cubs, and all that remained in their Gnomish hollow shells was the giddiness of insanity.
Ubarlight condemns the Blackrock Gnomes to eternal wussitude. 
With that, peace settled upon Argent Dawn like a field of Murlocs after a rain of Tranquilizing shots. The Gnomes had been pushed to their limits and destroyed, and Ubarlight didn’t even meet the threshold of his power. The IWIN! Button remained safely tucked away, not required for such wimps. Ubarlight is victorious again! OH YEA!
Ubarlight preparing for a trip to Telaar to check out the ladies there: 
Now all you wimps and wusses that ran over to Blackrock, Ubarlight wonders, why do that? Why come within close contacted of concentrated wussiness? No doubt you have become infected with wussiness as well, and you fell to the ways of the wimp. You see, being a wuss can be contagious if you’re weak minded. Be exposed to it for a little while, say, in the presence of a Blackrock wuss, and you start to become a wuss as well. Only the strong, the Totally Awesome and Wicked Sweet, can resist such wussiness. Let this be a lesson to all of you, for doing as wusses do is not the path to the Totally Awesome and Wicked Sweet, only by trying to act like Ubarlight will you become as he is. (But of course you’ll fail because Ubarlight is simply better than you, hah! Suckers.)
Your wussy behavior has forced Ubarlight to sit on the Blackrock gates, hammer in hand, ready for action, to send any wimp that tries to emulate the Blackrock Gnomes back to where they belong, in the not quite as wussy Argent Dawn.