The following was originally posted by the player Gragnarth on the US WoW Raid & Dungeons Forum and is preserved here for teh lulz.
Gragnarth < Simple Math > Andorhal
So you're off to BT/Hyjal (A Guide for bads) is brought to you in part by:
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Kael Got you down? Vash not your cup of tea? Fear not young baddie, you will soon be entering the dynamic world that is Black Temple and Mount Hyjal raiding. So pack your flasks and lets hop right in:
THE BATTLE OF MOUNT HYJAL
In this exciting 25 man raid zone you will engage the legions of (bad guy) and protect the forces of (good guys) also this instance has the awesome pacing mechanic of 8 waves of trash before every boss attempt. You will love it. Now lets take a look at the encounters:
Rage Winterchill: After 8 waves of slaying exciting and dynamic pacing mechanisms, you will do battle with Rage Winterchill, who you may have met before in your adventures to Scholomance. He hits nearly as hard as the guy in Scholomance, so make sure you have at least 1 person Bandaging the Main Tank every minute. He will also periodically do an ability called death and decay which kills retards, but dosent cause your raid to wipe. In addition he will shoot an iceblock at random raid members, you should heal this person unless they are a fury warrior in which case you should refresh blessing of salvation on him instead and let him die (this is Simple Math's strategy and we win every week) Collect your 20th pair of mail healing bracers and prepare for:
Anetheron: Another 8 waves of pure bliss will lead you to the next exciting encounter with this dynamic and challenging boss. He has a conal attack that gives you a debuff that reduces your healing done by alot, so make sure everybody stacks up. He also puts people to sleep, but dont worry because according to bosskillers you can probally tremor totem and WOTF out of it. Anetheron also drops Mans from the sky, if you kill them they die. After his exciting and dynamic death animation, you will recive purpals and then you get to see the guild miners strut their stuff as they consistently fail to mine crimson spinels. This brings you to the horde camp and:
After some Trash waves that are both filled with excitement and rife with dynamism, you will get to fight Khaz Rogal, who is a fearsome big guy with cataclysms edge. The goal for this fight is for every caster to spend all of his or her mana as quickly as possible so that they can quickly attend to the buisness of blowing up their raidmates. If your DPS dosent suck, you will win. Next Comes:
You wont beat the azgalor trash, but you shouldnt worry because, he drops leather healing chest and double vanquisher 100% of the time, so you arent missing much. if you do somehow manage to beat Azgalor its time for the master of Mt Hyjal:
The key to this encounteris to make sure that all the retards in your guild are playing as either hunter, shaman or druid. if anyone besides a Hunter Shaman Or Druid Dies, its a wipe. Another exciting and dynamic facet of this encounter is playing the game of "who the #*#% ran the fire through the raid!?!" and of course "who fergot to get their #*#%ing stars tears?!?!" A great way to prepare your guild for this encounter is to have all your guildies meet up in real life and kick each other in the balls repeadley, until they break down and cry. Collect your t6 helms except for your main tank because his t4 one is better.
Stay tuned for part 2: THE BLACK TEMPLE
PART 2: BLACK TEMPLE (THE EXCITING AND DYNAMIC FIRST HALF)
Black temple is the home of Illidan, he is in a guild called <The Betrayer>, You cannot enter in the front gate, because its locked, so instead you must enter through the sewer, which is gross. While waiting for your raid to form, you can play the exciting game of repeadlley aggroing doomwalker on a flying mount, causing him to yell at the entire zone. The lvl 68's nearby will either threaten to repeort for for spamming in general chat or send you wispers asking to join your doomwalker raid, both should provide suitable entertainment while you wait for people to hearth and come back because they fergot their SR neck. okay Now that everyone is here prepare for the first Boss:
The Trash pack In Najentus' Room(you know the one):
Although not technically a "boss" by conventional gaming standards, this pull is far harder then the three lootbags that follow it, requiring raid coordination, strong healing, and actual Skill from the Tanks, needless to say it is exciting and dynamic. Possibly collect your epics or lvl 67 greens of spirit, and prepare to face:
High Warlord Najentus:
This guy was a high warlord Pre BC, that means he smells incredibly bad from grinding BG's 19 hours a day, as a result he now lives in the sewer. He also has a seashell for an arm. I think You can Draw your own conclusions. Whats most exciting and dynamic about this encounter is listening to it on vent when you arent in the raid, in no time "THROWIT-THROWIT-THROWIT-THROWIT-THROWIT-THROWIT-THROWIT-THROWIT" will be a word in your vocabulary, look foward to that. Collect your purps and head over to:
One of the truths that trancend WOW raiding across many dungeons of all types and sizes is: Dont Stand in the Fire. With this encounter, blizzard has introduced a new twist to the classic fire, with an alluring Blue tint thats sure to entrance even your most hardened veteran raider. I Also read this fight has phases. Resist the beautyful glow for about 6 minutes, collect your loot and make your way over to the next jok...err boss:
Shade Of Akama:
If you diddnt know, I play a fury warrior, and as a result i have no clue what the strategy for this boss is. As far as im concerned its hit the small guys until they go away then hit the big guy, This seems to work well for me. If you dont play a melee DPS class you might have to try here, but I doubt it. Collect your epics and get ready for:
The key to this fight is prayer. Before attempting this boss, everyone in the raid take a 15 minute break to adress their diety of choice. Their request is simple: Please dont let THAT GUY get Marked for Death. if everyone prayed hard, this fight should be extremeley easy, everyone goes about their merry way hitting things, healing things, killing ghosts, and collecting loots. However if your raid diddnt pray hard enough THAT GUY will get marked for death, possibly followed by THAT OTHER GUY, causing a whole bunch of skeletons to run into the raid and 23 people to groan loudly on vent, this simply means you diddnt try hard enough with your prayer, human sacrafice is also an option. Once your bloodthirsty gods have had their fill of human hearts, you can collect your elemental shaman totem and thrown weapon (YOU DISERVE IT!).
Keep Your Eyes peeled for the 3rd and FINAL Installment.
PART 3: BLACK TEMPLE (THE STUNNING CONCLUSION[not really])
If your bad guild has made it this far, you may be on the verge of moving from being one of the better bad guilds to being one of the worse mediocre guilds. This accomplishment is not to be taken lightly, celebrate your achivements! but dont get too cocky, as many exciting and dynamic challenges await!
You are in a Guild. In your Guild There are Shamans. In your Shamans' Spellbook There is a Button. This Button is called Brain Heal. In ye olde timey days of yore, healers in MMO's had to engage in the laborious task of selecting the targets they wished to heal. But those days are over thanks to the stunning healing technology available to every shaman in the form of Brain Heal (It does the thinking for you!). Employ the Brain Heal and recive epics from this boss. Another fun thing about this encounter is that you get to use amplify magic, I dont know exactly what is fun about that, but I always like having amplify magic, its like a little white hand waving hi to you for the entire encounter. Perhaps I am losing my mind(although these are no longer necessary for raiding thanks to brain heal).
Reliquary Of Souls:
Things that Will Wipe you on Reliquary of Souls(100% true wipes): 1) Shadow Word Death Crit 2) Fatfingered Kick 3) Left Healthstone in My Other Bag 4) Shadow Word Death Crit 5) Vent Arguement Over which face Essence OF Souls Poops From 6) Not enough RAAAAAAGGGEEEE to Spell Reflect 7) Shadow Word Death Crit
Phase 1 of this fight is 2-3 weeks long and involves farming trash for heart of darknesses. Phase 2 of this fight is 1 week long and involves attuning a leatherworker to Black temple so that you can craft leather Shadow Resist Gear Phase 3 of this Fight has been Intentionally Left Blank Phase 4 of this fight requires players to equip their shadow resist gear and turn their spell detail level all the way down Phase 5: ????? Phase 6: Profit
INTERMISSION FOR THE WORST DESIGNED TRASH MOB EVER: 1-SHOT the ROBOT
All thoughout your World Of Warcraft Raiding Career, you have been preparing for this fight, From Magmadar to Magtheredon, Ragnaros to Rage Winterchill, you have learned not to stand in bad things. Well My friends its time for all that experence to pay off because Illidari council is the SUPER BOWL OF NOT STANDING IN THINGS! this fight has So many things not to stand in including: Concencrate, Blizzard, Flamestrike, the general area around the mage guy and much much more. The other amazing thing about this fight is that whenever someone dies no matter how early or late or how preventable or unavoidable their death, that person is 100% guranteed to claim that their healthstone was on cooldown. Cherish these moments folks, you only live once.
stay tuned for part 4 the REAL REAL STUNNING CONCLUSION: ILLIDAN THE BETRAYER
PART 4: ILLIDAN THE BETRAYER AND ASSOCIATED PROPERTIES OF BLIZZARD ENTERTAINMENT CORPORATION ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Well congratulations baddies, you are just 1 step away from the end of the pve raiding line. This ones for all the marbles and after its all over, you will have walked away with the privlage of saying "I, [your name here] have SLAIN Illidan" Your WoW forum trolling potental will be heightened considerably, your epeen will be legthened likewise, and may also experence some increased girth. Now that i have piqued your interest heres how you do it:
First Impressions: Illidan is Tiny
For the Boss of the whole goddam game, Illidan is really freaking small, this is GAURANTEED to be your official first impression. Your secoond impression will be that illidan dosent care that you /dance or /train at him. Once Illidan starts his speech, you will have your third impression.....actually let me stop myself here, you are probally expecting me to make some wisecrack regarding your level of preparedness for this encounter, I wont engage in such petty tomfoolery, instead let me state for the record that your duplicity....is hardly suprising.
Phase 1: Chillin with Illin
The Fight Will Start and You Will notice one thing quickly: He hits HARD. Use your phase 1 attempts to get the sheer joy of wiping to runaway parasitic infection out of your system. If you are melee DPS on this fight you will quickly observe that Illidan jumps really high, but fear not, as hitting the air where his body just was does the same amount of damage as hitting illidan himself. Once your Mages l2frost nova and your tank l2sheild block, its time for:
Phase 2: Dinner is Served.
Chef Illidan has prepared a special meal for your raid: The Flames of azzinoth, and he encourages you to have a taste, but I would personally advise against it unless you are wearing full FR gear. Fans of bright colors will ejoy this phase: featuring Neon Green Fire, neon Blue Lazers, and Neon Blue Fire behind the Neon Blue lazers! As per WoW Raiding rule 47.2(b) You still Shouldnt stand in the fire. This phase is also where your warlock tank reveals he fergot to equip his Shadow Res Gear.
Phase 3: Like Phase 1 But Different!
Phase 3 Is an exciting and dynamic phase that is exactly the same as phase 1 except for something called agonozing flames. In order to not get agonizing flames you have to spread out. As a result your raid leader will spend phase three yelling on vent "SPREAD OUT" and "HEY SPREAD THE !#!% OUT" Eventually Illidan will get tired of his incessant whining and decide to start Phase 4:
Phase 4: Our Warlock Tank is French Canadian
Phase 4 is where Illidan gets Huge, everyone runs away from him, then you hope that you dont get demoned. You also have to spread out (when do you NOT have to spread out?). When other people get demoned you mess with their heads and pretend you arent going to kill it until it gets really close then you execute it, or at least thats what I do. If YOU get demoned you say something to the effect hey I got demoned, and then hope that you are well liked.
Phase 5: ITS A TRAP!
When Illidan reaches 30% Everyone Gets a sweet shadow bubble thing and then some guy with a hula hoop comes and talks crap to illidan. Then Hula Hoop guy runs someplace hilariously inconvienent such as directly against the back wall and drops a trap. Now in theory these traps are for illidan, they weaken him and make him take extra damage. In reality though the traps are actually traps for your raid that mess with your positioning and cause you to wipe to parasites. Most times you just ignore the trap and kill the mans, in which case its time for:
Phase 6: The Afterglow
Congratulations on your double vanquisher, healing cloak with spellhaste, felhunter on a stick and leather Bracer pattern. You are also gauranteed to get a warglave of azzinoth, unless someone in the raid diserves one.
More Important then loot however is that now you have killed illidan you are now offically "Mr. Cool" (See Attached Picture: http://img142.imageshack.us/img142/8091/1202253611206fk0.jpg )
Try not to piss of too many "casuals" with your "2 button epics" and always remember that all your accomplishments mean nothing because they are MONTHS BEHIND.